I have been unemployed for three long and pretty dull and really disheartening months. The reality is I have been looking for jobs nonstop and I have applied over and over to every vague and non-compelling job description you all post week after week. Each time I find a post worth my time, I submit a great looking résumé –customized for each job description– accompanied by a genuine and mildly witty cover letter tailored as specifically as possible to the listing. Seriously folks, I am doing a pretty good job applying quickly after you post the position, with no errors, and to your specifics.
Don’t think I am simply submitting a generic résumé, without regard to who you are and who you’re looking for. If you reveal who you are, I research your company and I even come in person to introduce myself (unless the ad says not to); but, I am almost always turned away with the directive, “go ahead and submit your CV online.” This letter is to let you know that this sucks; you can do better.
I want to help you out a little bit so you can attract your next best employee. I see that most of you are in a rut posting the same bane thing over and over; you read an ad then mimic it. Since most of the posts are pure crap, you seem to write something of the same caliber. Every ad goes like this:
Our company is a results driven, exciting and rewarding company is seeking an energetic, self starting, dynamic, team player who is highly motivated to succeed while respecting the team, the company’s ethical standards, and the bottom line. Qualifications The right person for the job has the same skill set as anyone else with a four-year degree, a pulse, and a magic genie that will some how land him or her this position since 1,000 will apply before the sun reaches it’s apex. Requirements -Really really Detail Oriented -Have an unexplained but specific type of experience -Have an IQ above room temperature -Can do exciting dynamic work without supervision -Can work in an exciting team setting -Is way computer literate -Can lift things without getting a hernia -You breath in and out all day (and night) Duties -Showing up on time -Being generally dynamic -Dressing, being, and acting professional -Doing things no one really wants to do -Do things like copying and answering phones and using a pen and gossiping -Using useful software Please contact us using the craigslist email link so we may remain anonymous and so our email service sends your resume directly into the junk mail folder with the Penis Pumps and Russian Wives and Credit Card scams.
What you need to do is stop using lame descriptions like “dynamic” and “team-player” and “motivated,” while also leaving out the details that are typical to every damn job listing. We all know stapling is not exciting so don’t use that word. Skiing is exciting, not data entry. Just state “this is an office job” or “expect office duties,” be straight forward about it. You will know right away if the applicant caught on. That should weed out at least half of the generics who send the same resume to VCA and they would CVS. The cover letters will all of a sudden not fit in; the CV will not match your post and, voilá, you just delete Mr. or Mrs. not-gonna-get-the-job!
How do you know that a great applicant’s email is not filtered into your trash because of the wrong subject line or because it’s from craigslist’s forwarding service? You don’t; so, you need to ask for something specific, like a particular subject line. This is a good strategy because your email program has the ability to auto filter. Say the subject line you want is “RE: Data entry” then an email with the subject “I <3 Working” can just go in the trash. You don’t want them anyway because they are not “detailed oriented” which is your first qualification, right? This filtering strategy will automatically find your detail oriented employee for you! Of course, everyone applying is detail oriented, right? As well as dynamic, exciting, willing to stay overtime, and a great team player. However, you won’t know this for sure unless you have an interview with the applicant. So why not weed out the slow folks before you get to that point? If you did this I would have met you by now.
What to do now
First, we know the job market is flooded with applicants. We also know that the vague and tedious and cliché job listings attract everyone: the dullards, the pot heads, the surfers, the liars, the musicians, and also –to my chagrin– me; because we all need jobs. We learned that being anonymous is not as good as you think. We also found out that details in the post are better than bullshit cliché descriptors since everyone is what you want them to be when they are looking for a job. And, your email can do a lot of the sorting for you.
I hope you read this with the intent to change your ways. Seriously, it must be frustrating arranging interviews only to settle for the least bad decision. I’m sure many of you get lucky since there are a lot of talented folks looking for employment; but, we all know why this place is called the Granola Bay: It’s full of fruits, flakes, and nuts. So, don’t hire any of them if you don’t have to. Post a listing that excludes the fluff and includes only necessary information about the position; and most importantly, stop being so damn impersonal.
Don’t think I am simply submitting a generic résumé, without regard to who you are and who you’re looking for. If you reveal who you are, I research your company and I even come in person to introduce myself (unless the ad says not to); but, I am almost always turned away with the directive, “go ahead and submit your CV online.” This letter is to let you know that this sucks; you can do better.
I want to help you out a little bit so you can attract your next best employee. I see that most of you are in a rut posting the same bane thing over and over; you read an ad then mimic it. Since most of the posts are pure crap, you seem to write something of the same caliber. Every ad goes like this:
Our company is a results driven, exciting and rewarding company is seeking an energetic, self starting, dynamic, team player who is highly motivated to succeed while respecting the team, the company’s ethical standards, and the bottom line. Qualifications The right person for the job has the same skill set as anyone else with a four-year degree, a pulse, and a magic genie that will some how land him or her this position since 1,000 will apply before the sun reaches it’s apex. Requirements -Really really Detail Oriented -Have an unexplained but specific type of experience -Have an IQ above room temperature -Can do exciting dynamic work without supervision -Can work in an exciting team setting -Is way computer literate -Can lift things without getting a hernia -You breath in and out all day (and night) Duties -Showing up on time -Being generally dynamic -Dressing, being, and acting professional -Doing things no one really wants to do -Do things like copying and answering phones and using a pen and gossiping -Using useful software Please contact us using the craigslist email link so we may remain anonymous and so our email service sends your resume directly into the junk mail folder with the Penis Pumps and Russian Wives and Credit Card scams.
What I do assume is you can tell I am being sarcastic; what I do not assume is that you know how to write an ad that would land me, the right person for the job, the job. See, I’m a fantastic employee, very fun, really smart, a damn good multitasker, and just awesome with computers; especially the programs you need me to use. I’m punctual, I have a BA, great with everyone, and just straight worth my paycheck. The problem is I don’t stand out because you have hundreds –if not thousands– of other people competing against me for the same position; you get overwhelmed then delete my résumé just before you take a shot of bourbon. This is bad for both of us because you need an employee that kicks ass and I need a job.
Matter of fact, the whole system has become so impersonal because of the fluffy jargon you use that no one even gives responses! I have applied for hundreds of jobs and have been called three times and emailed twice. This is not balanced. I should be getting a lot more official rejection than this!What you need to do is stop using lame descriptions like “dynamic” and “team-player” and “motivated,” while also leaving out the details that are typical to every damn job listing. We all know stapling is not exciting so don’t use that word. Skiing is exciting, not data entry. Just state “this is an office job” or “expect office duties,” be straight forward about it. You will know right away if the applicant caught on. That should weed out at least half of the generics who send the same resume to VCA and they would CVS. The cover letters will all of a sudden not fit in; the CV will not match your post and, voilá, you just delete Mr. or Mrs. not-gonna-get-the-job!
How do you know that a great applicant’s email is not filtered into your trash because of the wrong subject line or because it’s from craigslist’s forwarding service? You don’t; so, you need to ask for something specific, like a particular subject line. This is a good strategy because your email program has the ability to auto filter. Say the subject line you want is “RE: Data entry” then an email with the subject “I <3 Working” can just go in the trash. You don’t want them anyway because they are not “detailed oriented” which is your first qualification, right? This filtering strategy will automatically find your detail oriented employee for you! Of course, everyone applying is detail oriented, right? As well as dynamic, exciting, willing to stay overtime, and a great team player. However, you won’t know this for sure unless you have an interview with the applicant. So why not weed out the slow folks before you get to that point? If you did this I would have met you by now.
What to do now
First, we know the job market is flooded with applicants. We also know that the vague and tedious and cliché job listings attract everyone: the dullards, the pot heads, the surfers, the liars, the musicians, and also –to my chagrin– me; because we all need jobs. We learned that being anonymous is not as good as you think. We also found out that details in the post are better than bullshit cliché descriptors since everyone is what you want them to be when they are looking for a job. And, your email can do a lot of the sorting for you.
I hope you read this with the intent to change your ways. Seriously, it must be frustrating arranging interviews only to settle for the least bad decision. I’m sure many of you get lucky since there are a lot of talented folks looking for employment; but, we all know why this place is called the Granola Bay: It’s full of fruits, flakes, and nuts. So, don’t hire any of them if you don’t have to. Post a listing that excludes the fluff and includes only necessary information about the position; and most importantly, stop being so damn impersonal.
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