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The Coffee Clown

According to this video, McDonald's is vying for a place in the gourmet coffee market. Given that I work in the gourmet coffee market, I cannot help but see this as a drastic distortion of a very delicate and under appreciated art form generalized by the word coffee. (Left: McDonald's being honest)

“Poor Man’s Crack,” or “Mud,” or “Joe” is as American as chaps and the obesity epidemic. Many know of the Boston Tea Party but few have been taught about the Seattle Coffee Soiree, where everyone dressed up like Indians, similar to the Boston event, but were more efficient from all the caffeine. This unfortunately led to a decrease in stability because everyone crashed afterwards. Waking up with awful headaches, the people started fighting with those wearing the color red leading to a scuffle with the British while planting the seeds for the USA’s long hatred for Communism.

This historical tale will not be found in history books because of its very vague and unverifiable nature. What we do know is the coffee boom or “Starbucks Craze” started in Seattle, Washington (what is affectionately known as the “Why-do-they-only-have-one-kind-of-tree State.” This “craze” spread all over the West Coast, From top to bottom everyone was buzzing around to get a bigger buzz on gourmet delicious coffee or what it’s more expensive name was, espresso. (Left: Artist depiction of the craze)

Coffee has finally been realized in its finest and most pretentious form, an ounce-sized portion of steam pulled acidic bliss that tastes slightly better than leftovers from an oil change. Espresso (known by lower IQ folks as “expresso”) is the ultimate caffeinated beverage. It combines the flavors of pure Arabic oil and fermented lemon peels with steamed milk, creating a drink that can justifiably be priced at about $3.55.

The true heroes are Jerry Baldwin, Zev Siegal and Gordon Bowker, the founders of the popular coffee shop, Starbucks, who named it after the infamous whale hunter Starbuck. During the Great Depression, Sir Gaylord Starbuck had been trying to produce coffee faster (hence the confusion of expresso vs. espresso) and for a larger price. He never succeeded in this venture, as he died a complete failure apart from one accomplishment, the live capture of an albino whale in Washington’s Puget Sound. (Right: Sir Gaylord Starbuck)

As you can see, coffee has a rich and sad history. One that should be actually researched. McDonald's has no right to distort this amazing beverage into the same type of falseness that is their burgers or chicken wings. I am sure that once espresso has been sent through the McDonald's machine, the beauty and sacred specialness that is America’s drug of choice will be nothing but another commonplace luxury that will some how make us fatter.

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